Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
