Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
