grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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