she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
