i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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