Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
