Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
