pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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