So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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