Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
