I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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