You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
