I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
