Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Can I color on your dick again?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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