wake up i wanna do it froggy style
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
