Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
