The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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