lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
