I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
