Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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