I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
