trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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