I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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