woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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