i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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