She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
