this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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