You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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