Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
