Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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