broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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