im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
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