yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
where are my eyebrows?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
