I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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