After last night, I could never be a politician.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
