Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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