I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
