i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
