My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
