I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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