Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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