i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
