Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
