I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
