i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
