Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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