My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
