somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
