it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
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