just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
