Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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