Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
