So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
