Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm going to jail i love you
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you had me at cake vodka
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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