I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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