I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
