Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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