If i come over, it means nothing
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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